My New Year’s resolution is To Think More. With all that entails.
Lights out at the cinema, gang. We are the storytellers.
My New Year’s resolution is To Think More. With all that entails.
It sounds glib, but for real; I live alone and I’m not suited for it. I have podcasts and audiobooks and video essays on near constantly, for company I never really have to pay attention to, a parasocial friendship that requires no effort. When I wake up in the morning, my brain gasps for it’s first “other thought” of the day. Because, even with the justifications and excuses, I am inevitably blocking myself out.
The Neil Gaiman article has a line at the start describing sci-fi and fantasy fans as inherently vulnerable, that they tend to get so involed in wrapping their lives around a fictional world to avoid something ugly that happened in this one. Along with the horror of the allegations, that line has stuck with me, niggling at the corner of my brain.
I’m just completing the Return of the King audiobook, having started with The Hobbit and looking forward to The Silmarillion. I have devoured the incredible Worlds Beyond Number: The Wizard, The Witch, and the Wild One which is one of the best pieces of fiction I have ever experienced. I caught up a year’s worth of 1-2 hr episodes in only a few months. It’s quality stuff, but why I am there, specifically?
The active, thinking part of me has faded into to-do lists and passive consumption. I get on, I do the thing in front of me with occassional gasps of thought in the shower or when I’m cooking. Even with all social media apps deleted from my phone, Other Voices stream in- I have a podcast on even when I go to sleep. This internal retreat happened online as well, I rarely post about my life anymore, rarely comment on a friend’s photo which I’ll like but scroll past. Social media has become consumption and a reluctant marketing tool. The “getting likes and affirmation” theory really doesn’t suit me anymore- if anything being seen online makes me feel exposed and uncomfortable. Out of control. Out of the safety of the voyeur.
I scroll, I consume, I listen and read and imagine. And when I sit down to write, I get scared, because I’m suddenly all alone.
I can’t write in public, I can’t write to songs with lyrics. I really need silence. The opposite of my daily life. The various Katies inside that I’ve been blocking out seem very startled to be in the room together- like the lights suddenly coming on in the cinema and now the collective audience of strangers are asked to solve a riddle. Bafflement, panic, someone’s baby wets itself. Quite the scene.
The most challenging part of freelance writing/performing is that I must come up with my own ideas. Twelve year old Katie is appalled at myself for this. I once got a detention at school because I did an essay related to, but not actually, the set homework because I found it more interesting. I argued my way out of it with my head of year, who was baffled but did acknowledge I was being punished for my curiosity. I was a competant but unruly nightmare of a student, forever doing well in slightly the wrong direction. But years of formal education did eventually make me goal oriented, got me used to working to a brief and a mark-scheme. When the consequences became real, qualifications that would effect my future.I love being given tasks to achieve. I feel lost when making tasks for myself.
A mix of uncertaity always muddies the water, the Katie’s in the cinema tend to balk and turn the lights back off and the screen back on. The goal is to make them all a community, and perhaps even make them realise they’re really just one person.
Thinking more involves:
Noticing my own tastes and interests, and trusting them.
To come up with pitches to publications, pitches for shows, pitches for tv writing and podcasts and everything else. Things I should really be thinking about.
Keeping commitments in mind, invoicing on time, responding to emails promptly and trusting my replies.
Getting used to being alone AND
Thinking of my friends more often, socialising with them instead of the pit of distraction.
Truely, having this newsletter as a weekly commitment has helped enormously, it has caused me much joy and much panic and much much thinking. Thank you for signing up to it :)
Upcoming Shows:
Speaking of fantasy, the next Club Wormhole is LEGALLY NOT Dungeons and Dragon’s themed, but do come to Club Wormhole: Reptiles and Rulebooks on 3rd Feb for headliner Joz Norris and a little bit of Katie Mitchell also.
Spine Hygiene, Leicester Comedy Festival, 16th February
17:00, Phoenix- The Nest - this show is right before Club Wormhole so do see both together for an incredibly silly Sunday NightSpine Hygiene, Saturday 15th March - 7pm-8.30pm, Glasgow Comedy Festival.
Spine Hygiene, 30 MINS VERSION, Saturday 19th April, time tbc, MANCHESTER PUNK FESTIVAL
Knitting Progress:
2 x 4hr coaches to Longdong provided ample time to absolutely blast it in the knitting department. Not that it looks like much, but please consider each row is 300+ sts m’lud.
It’s the Olivia Bell Cardi by the legendary Norah Gaughn. Knitted in King Cole Forest Aran and Sirdar Loveful DK, both 100% recycled yarns.
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