Competnecy Porn vs. Authentic Feelings, a definitely real choice
And where do you feel that silly little joke in your body?
Hey pals, apologies for the gap in posts. I’ve had some things happen in my personal life as well as my career, with some announcements coming soon. I’ll be back on the weekly schudule from now onwards.
Before we get into it, I want to remind you all of my LCF version of Spine Hygiene this weekend. Listen- I never book things in advance because I have too many accounts on too many things and if I have to fill in one more damn form I’m going to scream. I get it. But you’d be doing me a big ol favour if you did book in advance because the numbers are okay, but not enough to do what I need this show to do. I’m really excited for this show, it’s in a cinema and I can use their screen/projector for the powerpoint which is so cool. I’m hype.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what true competence, true completeness looks like for Spine Hygiene and me, Katie Mitchell. Creatively, over the last few years I’ve been focussing on authenticity. Who I am, why my old material doesn’t fit me anymore. Art as self-expression, as healing and oneness and feeling valid. This is a very important side to art, but sometimes hard to make funny if The Truth is grim.
I don’t want to be one of those comedians who talks about their therapist like some sort of oracle of the soul, bestowing bounties of trauma funnies for £60ph. But I’ve had a lot of (NHS)therapy over the last few years and I think it’s lead me to viewing the serious/sad/hurt parts of me as the most authentic, because they’re what come up when I’m at my most vulnerable. And I want to be vulnerable with people, but I don’t exactly enjoy being in that state.
In 2021 I did an arts council project developing a show with Natalie Bellingham. One clown exercise she did was slowly building me up energetically, moving my body until I was dancing and laughing round the room, we were feeding off eachother until I was giddy and delirious. And then she stopped, and with disgust and venom asked me what I was doing. Why I was doing it. Why I had the right to. The shame drain on me felt like cold water and muscle cramp and vomit as I stuttered to justify the joy and fun I just had/felt/expressed. I can’t remember the point of the exercise was, but I know it’s stuck with me. It comes to me now that maybe it was to show me how much the joy was mine, how much the shame is from other people. All I know is I know why people cry at Clown School.
I want Spinegiene to be a funny, silly show, even though it’s about something serious and life changing for me. As I’m working on the show, part of me is trying to tie all the things that happen into a narrative of some grand journey of the self- and it’s just not. I can’t find the internal conflict lost or won in going to get an MRI and it being a bit weird but mostly okay. If I have in my mind that the serious, sad person I am in therapy is the most authentic, the above doesn’t work. If I stop trying to hold myself to authenticity standards, I’m free to make as much silly as I like about the above. I found myself worrying about how well I’ve handled the spine stuff, it feels like a relief to know that the pain is a) real, b) not my fault, c) somewhat controllable. I miss yoga but I’ve taken up Tai Chi. I have to sit/walk/lie/move in spine sparing ways to save up my lumar flexation for important things like dancing and sex, but because of this I’m having more painfree dancing and sex than I did before. I’ve had no major breakdowns or periods of depression, like I would have expected. This is great for me to live in, but a bad narrative arc, - a hero being mostly fine isn’t a compelling narrative. So, at what part does this desire for authentic feeling become picking arguments with my optimism and perseverance?
I’ve also been thinking about competence. I have a mixed relationship with it. I tend to learn quickly, I was a high achiever throughout my education- competence was judgement was my self-worth. Then I went into the world of work, where competence was rewarded with more work, asymmetrically valued with harshly punished mistakes. Both of these alienated me from my labour, something I still struggle with: my work must be perfect and I feel exploited for doing it. Not a good relationship. I have spent the last few years making art against the strain of two opposing, self-protective forces. To get out of this state, I’ve been practicing making quickly- Club Wormhole has been huge for this- but painting, drawing, writing short stories and comedy bits with no stakes- only time.
Doechii just won a grammy for Alligator Bites Never Heal, an album she wrote, recorded and produced in 30 days. I saw a reel of her performance on Colbert, her and two dancers joined by long braids, in sync and utterly competent. I love DENIAL IS A RIVER (pls watch the video). It’s funny and gut wrenching and artistically flawless. An evolving narrative flowing seamlessly. I love the conversational bits with the other voice- something I talk about more behind the paywall is how this is inspiring the role of The Rats in Spingegiene, weaving them into the narrative as well as their silly bits. I’m loving the album having never really listened to hiphop before and she’s really inspiring my writing. Part of me feels bad I’ve never had the intrest before, happy in my little goth cave, but I’m also enjoying experiencing a new genre for the first time at 27. I hope the discoveries never cease.
So there’s a genre of entertainment I have called Competency Porn. On YouTube I’m subscribed to a woodturning channel, with no interest of doing it myself, and most people I know enjoy some variation of this. Cooking shows are competency porn, How It’s Made is competency porn, Bernadette Banner is perhaps the biggest competency porn among my people. My rugby girlfriend argues sport and athleticism is also under the banner of Competency Porn. I’d always valued compentency less than authenticity, but I think I’ve just reinvented the Craft vs. Art debate, which I see myself very much on the other side of- rejecting that only ‘lofty concepts’ are art and things like fibrecraft were ignored. I’ve been so focussed on who I want to be and feel I’ve lost sight of what I want to do and make. What does healthy competency look like for Katie Mitchell?
Doechii’s performances are competent and vulnerable, her choreography is precise and delivery on point. I spent the last weekend watching shows at LCF, seeing Milo Edward’s How Revolting! Sorry to Offend which has, as he points out, “too many jokes” in it- but I also felt everything he was saying about class as much as I was laughing. I love the messy, chaotic, borderline improvisational side of alt comedy and clowning, but I’d forgotten how fucking satisfying a callback from 35 minutes ago is. How a good, well crafted bit hits different. It’s a balance, of course, but one I feel safe to come back to for this show.
Upcoming Shows:
Spine Hygiene, Leicester Comedy Festival, 16th February
17:00, Phoenix- The Nest - this show is right before Club Wormhole so do see both together for an incredibly silly Sunday NightSpine Hygiene, Saturday 15th March - 7pm-8.30pm, Glasgow Comedy Festival.
Spine Hygiene, Thursday 17th April, Blizzard Comedy, Manchester, tickets tbc
Headline, Thursday 24th April, Chippenham Comedy Club, tickets tbc
Spine Hygiene, 30 MINS VERSION, Saturday 19th April, time tbc, MANCHESTER PUNK FESTIVAL
I’m doing Edinburgh! My first full run. Full announcement coming soon <3
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