A Whole Human and Good Fiction

I’d always assumed it was my bad procrastination habits and my lack of routine that was getting in my way. But I wanted the show written and learned for Leicester Comedy Festival in February, and I did it. It was so researched, it was learned, I put in personal details about the emotional impact of the spine stuff. And it just wasn’t it.

The show ran to 70 mins (sin). During the anatomy stuff I was bored, and I could see the audience’s eyes glazing over (SIN). And any emotional throughline didn’t hit because it was so bogged down in everything else (SIN SIN SIN). I saw my efforts writ large onto a blank, slightly boring expanse. There were laughs, mountains and lakes of respite. There were various bits of material with legs sitting kind of lamely in the open, like cows chewing cud. I’d been telling everyone the show was almost done, that that first WIP was nearly there, that the creative process had all been so easy. Too easy. It was kind of crushing. I’d overworked it like a painting, it was made out of lines and soulless eyes. It was crushing.

I’m working with a director now, Delyth Jones who is fantastic. And boy is she directing me.

The biggest thing is separating the show from me, and writing it like it’s good fiction. I don’t have to accurately report the events like me and the audience are catching up over coffee. I don’t have to present every aspect of myself: this is an hour. Even novellas aren’t that long. I can’t fit all of me, and why do I need to? My genre is comedy. And I want to be silly again.

I’ve written here before about how I think my consumption of self-help, along with therapy, has made me think that sad/serious part of me is My Most Authenic self- but there is a reason comedy has always felt like home to me. Why I marathoned Ross Noble DVDs and spent my school holidays watching Ed Fringe on the Red Button. The joy that stand-up gives me is as authentic as any of the grim stuff. Avoidance and embracing the opposite emotion are similar and related. I’m allowed to make just a goddamn comedy show. And thats what the audience wants as well.

The direction from Delyth is great because it’s a lot of questions. Why this? How that? The big one-

“How do you want to audience to feel after they’ve seen your show?”

People left She Festers crying. The point of success of that show was making them laugh at my suicide attempt story at the end of the show, after the horror of talking about my mum’s death. And every fringe, I got those laughs from them. When they left crying, it was catharsis not sadness. And I loved having drinks in the Pear Tree with audience members and we would tell each other our depression and suicidal ideation stories like it was normal. It was beautiful.

It’s not what I want in Spinegiene.

“uhh… I want them to feel happy? And they can look after their spines better”

“That’s kind of bland, happy isn’t enough, and the way you’ve presented the science was so much that I didn’t take much in. What about ‘I want the audience to hurt from laughing and know slightly more about spines?’”

A cut reaction. I can’t possibly do that?! Saying that feels egotistical, it feels Too Much. The version of myself I’ve been trying to be- good, kind, humble- balks.

“Think about it. Each audience member has given you money and an hour of their time for a comedy show. They want to be entertained. You’re allowed to do that.”

And she’s right. My big influences for She Festers were Nanette by Hannah Gadsby, Trying by Laura Lexx, and musically There Will Be No Intermission by Amanda Palmer. Pieces of art I love, and have not watched since. What I go for when I want some fucking comedy I go for something totally silly like Vic and Bob or Ross Noble or Elf Lyons or Brian David Gilbert’s Unravelled (I did cry at the Pokémon rap episode tbf) or Key and Peele or WHATEVER. I’m a comedian. I’m supposed to be funny, silly in the way only I can be.

Art as self-expression is all very well and good but the audience are giving me money to be entertaining. I have walked this art/entertainment balance since I started writing She Festers for my final year Fine Art BA.

Art has three big broad basic markers of quality:

• Is is emotionally vulnerable or fulfilling?

• Is it well made or beautiful?

• Is it good?

There is a lot of the previous version of Spinegiene on the cutting room floor. Self-harm, pain sensitivity, deer photos, a lot of the anatomy talk. I’m being industrious with filling the gaps, working on world building and character and relationships and stupid fucking JOKES. I’m making good fiction. I feel as motivated and enthusiastic as I did at the start of writing, perhaps because with the seismic changes it is like writing a new show. Delyth is bringing up so many unknown unknowns I can feel myself returning to roots and growing upwards at the same time. I remember why I started this, and I can see the places I can go.

Six weeks of existential crisis later, it’s really nice to be back in public as a comedian again. I’m really looking forward to my upcoming Spinegienes, both in Manchester for Blizzard’s Birthday and Manchester Punk Festival.

Newsletters will be back to normal now, updates and articles up here, and new material and concepts behind the paywall. Thank you for bearing with me. It’s good to be back.